Things that have Helped

For about seven years I've lived in darkness. I hid it well, though. I'd smile. I'd laugh. The closest people in my life didn't even know. Keeping things inside is exhausting. Eventually, though, it will leak out. It becomes too much. I always felt like I would rather be dead than spend another miserable day on this earth. There were times when I was so close to the edge. Times when I thought I was losing my mind, like I had little to no control over anything. I'd lost the desire to do anything. I wouldn't want to eat or sleep or go out or see anyone. I would have gladly welcomed physical pain to distract me from the emotional pain. From the self-hate. There are times when I can't even look at myself in the mirror because most of the time I really don' like what I see. There are times when I want to jerk the wheel into a tree or ditch, hoping to destroy my car. Times when I just wanted to give up. I feel like there is this great battle for my soul and for the longest time I felt like Satan was winning. I even like God wasn't there trying to help me find my way out of the dark. It wasn't until recently that I started noticing and realizing things. Things that have helped me. And I have no doubt in my mind that they are things from God. I have several relationships now with people I know God has placed in my life. It's these relationships that have helped keep me from going over the edge. These are people that I can talk to; that really care. And each offers something different but it's all so helpful. I hope at some point I can thank them enough and explain how much the relationship I have with each of them means to me and how it has helped me keep going; keep my life. I have also realized that it wasn't God that abandoned me over the years. I abandoned God. It was selfish of me to expect him to get rid of all my problems when I wasn't putting forth any effort to strengthen my relationship with Him. Now, I feel like that relationship is getting better and I'm thankful because it's the most important of all. Because of these things I've been doing a lot better. There are several verses that have helped me recently.

"Be joyful always; pray continually/ give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thesselonians 5: 16-18

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1: 2-3

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5: 3-4

Fleeting Thoughts

Each night for the past two weeks I've gone outside before I go to bed. No matter what the weather is like, I sit outside on the patio in my comfortable chair. I listen to my favorite music. I stare at stars in the sky. I write. I pray. And sometimes I fall asleep out there.

I look forward to these moments each day. When I'm driving home, exhausted from playing basketball, I think about it. About how relaxing it will be to sit out there and how much I enjoy it. The first night I sat out there I saw two shooting stars. I know that doesn't sound like anything too spectacular but in 22 years I'd never seen one shooting star, and I just thought it was great.

I think I've always kind of taken the beauty of the world for granted. Now I focus on it every night and even during the day. I try to admire the creation. The millions of stars that burn brightly from so far away. The moon that disappears behind a cloud but reveals itself moments later when the wind carries the cloud away. The lightning that illuminates the horizon for an instant. The whisper of the wind. The call of a bird. The silhouettes of treetops on a dark blue canvas. The stillness and quiet.

So many times I've gone on vacations to beautiful places. I notice how pretty and appealing they are, but it's mostly a fleeting thought. I don't really take the time to appreciate them. I want to change that. I want to worship God by admiring His creation and all the wonderful things of this world and thank him for allowing me to be a part of it.