I Remember

I remember lying there
In the darkness of my room
In the middle of the day
So close, so far away
It should have been different
I should have been out
Enjoying my life
But like so many other days
For so many years
I would just hide away
So close to the end
To giving up
So far from the light
Tired and hurt
From trying to fight

I remember the warmth of the tears
That streamed down my face
I couldn’t control them
Almost unable to breath
I remember the pain
The emotional pain that was my life
The pain that came from self-perception
From self doubt
From relationships destroyed
And battles lost
Looking in the mirror
And hating what I saw
Hating who I was
I saw myself
Worthless and pathetic
Everything I was
I hated

I remember the blood
The physical pain that became a distraction
I grew accustomed to it
Enjoyed it
The cuts on my hands
And bruises on my face
The deep ache in my eyes
That made me forget what was happening inside
I remember driving through the night
Contemplating life
Exhausted, hurting, crying
Nowhere to run
The darkness in my life was taking over
The feeling of hopelessness
It was crippling
Destroying who I was meant to be

I remember the pills
There next to my bed
Waiting for my end
I wanted the end
To give up on life
Selfishly, I wanted to die

Then, a change
I couldn’t explain
Not at the time
But something held on
Pulling me through
Never leaving my side
Though I turned my back
God’s love kept me alive
His amazing love
His light broke the darkness
And I let him inside
Since then, he’s changed my life

He strengthens me when I’m weak
I no longer hate
I don’t hurt myself
The blood on my hands is gone
The bruises have healed
I’m saved by His grace
And I love the life that God has given me
Everything is a gift
A blessing
Every breath I breathe
Every beat of my heart

Each day
When I open my eyes
I’m thankful
For the love he shows me
And I long to show that love to others
Hoping they see Christ in my life
In everything I do
The scars are there as a reminder now
Of what God has done for me
Of His amazing grace and mercy
It’s only because of Him
That I’m alive
And today and each day after
I’ll praise His name

I Think About My Life

I think about my life
My experiences
The things that God has blessed me with
The terrible times He pulled me through
I wonder
Knowing these things
How can I doubt
How can I question
How do I not constantly pursue
The one who pursues me
Who loves me without fail
Who has sustained me
Who strengthens me
Whose power is perfect
Who always forgives
Who made me
Who protects me
Who gives me hope in what’s next
Who sent His son to die for me
I know I have to focus on Him
On who He is and what He means to me
Because when I don’t
Things are terrible
So I set my heart and mind on things above
And pray that I always will

Father, help me to constantly seek after you. Help me focus on things above and live the life you’ve called me to live. Forgive me for the wrong things that I’ve done and for the times I’ve turned away. Thank you for the things you’ve done for me and for each time you’ve welcomed me back with open arms. You’re always there, watching over and protecting me. Thank you. I love you. Amen.