Hope

I've been wrestling with hope a lot lately. Sometimes I think hope can be a scary thing. What if the things we hope for don't come to pass? Something we longed for. Where does that leave us emotionally and where does it leave our hope for the next situation or whatever it might be. I hope that God will move in my life and in the lives around me. The people I care about and the people I know aren't believers. I know God can do all things, that He is faithful, and I put my hope in that. But does my attitude or my actions reflect confidence in God. Am I confident that God will work in those lives or change the hearts of those people? Someone I talked to last night said, "Why, when God answers a prayer of ours, do we act surprised that He answered it?" I should pray to God, confident that He will answer those prayers and I should be thankful when He does - not surprised.

Ephesians 3:12
In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.

Hebrews 4:16
Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Hebrews 10:23
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

1 John 5:14
This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.

This Love

A gift

This love

Always growing

Moment by moment

A love

I will always give

A girl

I will always pursue

I will always cherish

I Remember

I remember lying there
In the darkness of my room
In the middle of the day
So close, so far away
It should have been different
I should have been out
Enjoying my life
But like so many other days
For so many years
I would just hide away
So close to the end
To giving up
So far from the light
Tired and hurt
From trying to fight

I remember the warmth of the tears
That streamed down my face
I couldn’t control them
Almost unable to breath
I remember the pain
The emotional pain that was my life
The pain that came from self-perception
From self doubt
From relationships destroyed
And battles lost
Looking in the mirror
And hating what I saw
Hating who I was
I saw myself
Worthless and pathetic
Everything I was
I hated

I remember the blood
The physical pain that became a distraction
I grew accustomed to it
Enjoyed it
The cuts on my hands
And bruises on my face
The deep ache in my eyes
That made me forget what was happening inside
I remember driving through the night
Contemplating life
Exhausted, hurting, crying
Nowhere to run
The darkness in my life was taking over
The feeling of hopelessness
It was crippling
Destroying who I was meant to be

I remember the pills
There next to my bed
Waiting for my end
I wanted the end
To give up on life
Selfishly, I wanted to die

Then, a change
I couldn’t explain
Not at the time
But something held on
Pulling me through
Never leaving my side
Though I turned my back
God’s love kept me alive
His amazing love
His light broke the darkness
And I let him inside
Since then, he’s changed my life

He strengthens me when I’m weak
I no longer hate
I don’t hurt myself
The blood on my hands is gone
The bruises have healed
I’m saved by His grace
And I love the life that God has given me
Everything is a gift
A blessing
Every breath I breathe
Every beat of my heart

Each day
When I open my eyes
I’m thankful
For the love he shows me
And I long to show that love to others
Hoping they see Christ in my life
In everything I do
The scars are there as a reminder now
Of what God has done for me
Of His amazing grace and mercy
It’s only because of Him
That I’m alive
And today and each day after
I’ll praise His name

I Think About My Life

I think about my life
My experiences
The things that God has blessed me with
The terrible times He pulled me through
I wonder
Knowing these things
How can I doubt
How can I question
How do I not constantly pursue
The one who pursues me
Who loves me without fail
Who has sustained me
Who strengthens me
Whose power is perfect
Who always forgives
Who made me
Who protects me
Who gives me hope in what’s next
Who sent His son to die for me
I know I have to focus on Him
On who He is and what He means to me
Because when I don’t
Things are terrible
So I set my heart and mind on things above
And pray that I always will

Father, help me to constantly seek after you. Help me focus on things above and live the life you’ve called me to live. Forgive me for the wrong things that I’ve done and for the times I’ve turned away. Thank you for the things you’ve done for me and for each time you’ve welcomed me back with open arms. You’re always there, watching over and protecting me. Thank you. I love you. Amen.

Hope

Looking over his shoulder, he could still see the faint light in the distance. He was lost now, but he couldn't bring himself to return to the light where he was safest. The wind picked up and his strength started to give. He was exhausted. Each gust took a piece of him with it, leaving him empty. With each step his body ached until he fell to his knees. A fleeting thought. To give up. To welcome death. He was broken and alone. Tears fell down his face as he cried out in pain. He closed his eyes and visions of the past shot through his mind. Visions of two conflicting worlds. One stained with blood and hate and the other with love. The visions stopped and he knew what he must do, but he didn't have the strength to get back. When he opened his eyes, they burned. The light was there, so close, waiting for him to return, giving him hope.

Broken

I come to You
Broken
Defeated
Hurting
The step is hard to take
The step into Your presence
Please, wrap Your arms around me
Let me feel Your love
And know there's no better place to be

Who am I?

If I walk alone, where will I end up?
If I rely on my own strength, how far will it get me?
If I try to control, how quickly will I lose it?
If I remain in the dark, how will I see light?
If I struggle alone, when will it break me?
Who am I to not forgive others when what they do to me pales in comparison to the things I do against God’s will and yet I am forgiven?
Who am I without God?

Tired

In the calm of the night
the tears fill my eyes
My breathing is quick
Almost painful
I feel like
Like I'm losing control
Alone and confused
Tired and hurt

A Whisper

I hear it
A whisper
Telling me to stop
To be still and listen
For what

A Prayer

Give me strength
Now as much as ever
I can't do it on my own
I need your guidance
Show me the path
And I will walk it

Thank you father, amen

With Faith

How long can I wait
As long as it takes
But this moment in time
I give you my life
Continue to shape
and show me your ways
And in the midst of that
the joy
the hope
the love
I will continue to wait
with faith

Waiting

Tonight I question
Where am I
My place in life
I don’t speak
I listen
Waiting

It's Gone

Near his heart it stayed
Cherished
Protected
Loved,
Of such a gift
He couldn’t dream
An intake of breath
Sharp,
Tears,
It’s gone
And greatly missed

Where I am

Still
Quiet
Listening
For a voice
A whisper
A breath

Thanks

A friend challenged me to write about things in my life that I’m thankful for so here it goes.

I’m thankful for every breath God gives me. For every beat of my new heart and every beat of my old one. I’m thankful for the home I have and the bed I get to wake up in each morning. I’m thankful for the food I have and the clothes on my back. I’m thankful that I can sit on my deck at night and stare into a star-filled sky. I’m thankful for loving parents that are always there for me when times are tough. I’m thankful for the friendships I now have with my brothers when we hated each other for so long. I’m thankful for my friends and the encouragement they give. I’m thankful for my thoughts and the talents that I have. That I can use my hands to create or to play sports. I’m thankful for my new life and for what my old one taught me. I’m thankful that I can read and write. I’m thankful for a God who loves me more than I can fathom, in spite of all the wrong things I’ve done and the fact that I turned my back on Him so many times. I’m thankful that He is the reason behind all the things I wrote about. He sustains me. He gives me life. He is my light when I’m in darkness. He is my hope. I’m thankful that I can always turn to Him and He will welcome me with open arms. I’m thankful that I don’t have to do this on my own because I would fail. I’m thankful that Christ gave Himself for me.

The Weight

He walks slowly over the pavement, the backpack weighing heavy on his shoulders. A dim glow from the streetlights illuminates the brick on the buildings around him. He hears whispers from the shadows but can’t understand what’s being said. A man moves out from the shadows toward him. He stops as the man draws closer. Close enough to feel his breath. The man leans in and says something. Something unexpected and heartbreaking. Before he can say anything the man slips back into the shadows along the street. Confused, he turns to continue and feels that his pack has grown heavier. He moves slower.

After a few moments, a woman moves out from the shadows and stops directly in front of him. He expects it this time. She leans slowly in and whispers something to him. As quickly as she appeared, she was gone, hiding with the others. He was left there alone in the street with the words the she had said. His pack grew heavier.

For the rest of the night, people would randomly approach him from the shadows, whisper something to him, and move away before he could respond. And each time, the load he carried on his back became heavier. His legs began to shake under the tremendous weight and his muscles burned. Finally, exhausted, he collapsed in the middle of the street. He couldn’t move. He just lay there in pain, hearing the whispers around him, catching glimpses of those hiding in the shadows. In the midst of them all he felt alone. Alone with things said and things left unsaid.

The Dark

In the dark I hear the whispers. My eyes search the seemingly empty room but all they see is black. I lay motionless, the fan circling above me. I dare not move for fear that I might be heard by whatever is hiding in the shadows. If only I can stay silent, maybe they’ll never know I’m here.

My heart is beating so hard I can hear it. It’s filling my head. I try to control my breathing, which has become unbearably loud. I listen intently as the whispers fill my mind. Each word cuts me: worthless, hopeless, pathetic. I recognize it.

I wouldn’t have recognized it in the past. It’s my own voice but it’s not from me. It’s from Satan. There’s nothing in the room but me and the lies he’s trying to attack me with. It’s different now, though. I know where to turn. I close my eyes and begin to pray. I ask for strength and God’s protection. I focus on Him and the whispers fade to nothing.

I’m safe in the arms of my father.

The Joy of God

John 15:5-13
5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

9"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

I listened to a message today by David Arcos talking about the joy of God. It was very insightful. He says that "Joy becomes strength in the midst of trial." I don't have much more to say about it other than that I find joy in God and my savior Jesus Christ. The best two minutes of my life here on earth won't compare to an eternity in God's presence. That makes me think about my life and how I live it.

I love God, but to be honest, I struggle each day with giving everything over to him. My own intentions and selfishness always seem to get in the way. God has done some amazing things in my life. He's blessed me with an amazing family. He's given me great friends. He gives me life. He kept me around for twenty years with a heart problem. He's gotten me through years of depression. I want to surrender everything to him. To trust him to take care of me. I want to be the man he has created me to be.

Here's a verse I read today. It's one that I always go back to.

Ephesians 2:8
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God

I Don't Know

When life is filled with extreme highs and even more extreme lows what can you do? Ride it out I guess. At the end of the day what do you have? When things never seem to work out where do you turn with the pain? When you've hit the bottom where do you look for the slightest bit of hope? Where do you take your troubles? Your feelings?

I'm fortunate to have an incredible family but I don't always want to throw all my problems their way. I'm not one to burden people with my problems. So where does that leave me? I know exactly where it leaves me. Alone in this world but in the loving arms of my Father. At the end of the day what do I have? Hope in Christ. I can take whatever I have to him and I'll never be let down. What a truly incredible thing to be given this gift. To have him in my life. I know without him through all the difficult times, I would honestly be dead.

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Father, thank you for everything you've done in my life. Thank you for an amazing family and my friends. Thank you for always being there. Through the years of depression even though I turned my back on you. Thank you for seeing me safely through that and through my surgery as well. I know it could have taken my life at anytime but you kept me around. Thank you so much for sending your son to die for my sins. I know I don't deserve it. I love you God. Give me the desire to always seek you. Give me strength and joy in the coming months as I struggle with things. Amen.