The Weight

He walks slowly over the pavement, the backpack weighing heavy on his shoulders. A dim glow from the streetlights illuminates the brick on the buildings around him. He hears whispers from the shadows but can’t understand what’s being said. A man moves out from the shadows toward him. He stops as the man draws closer. Close enough to feel his breath. The man leans in and says something. Something unexpected and heartbreaking. Before he can say anything the man slips back into the shadows along the street. Confused, he turns to continue and feels that his pack has grown heavier. He moves slower.

After a few moments, a woman moves out from the shadows and stops directly in front of him. He expects it this time. She leans slowly in and whispers something to him. As quickly as she appeared, she was gone, hiding with the others. He was left there alone in the street with the words the she had said. His pack grew heavier.

For the rest of the night, people would randomly approach him from the shadows, whisper something to him, and move away before he could respond. And each time, the load he carried on his back became heavier. His legs began to shake under the tremendous weight and his muscles burned. Finally, exhausted, he collapsed in the middle of the street. He couldn’t move. He just lay there in pain, hearing the whispers around him, catching glimpses of those hiding in the shadows. In the midst of them all he felt alone. Alone with things said and things left unsaid.

The Dark

In the dark I hear the whispers. My eyes search the seemingly empty room but all they see is black. I lay motionless, the fan circling above me. I dare not move for fear that I might be heard by whatever is hiding in the shadows. If only I can stay silent, maybe they’ll never know I’m here.

My heart is beating so hard I can hear it. It’s filling my head. I try to control my breathing, which has become unbearably loud. I listen intently as the whispers fill my mind. Each word cuts me: worthless, hopeless, pathetic. I recognize it.

I wouldn’t have recognized it in the past. It’s my own voice but it’s not from me. It’s from Satan. There’s nothing in the room but me and the lies he’s trying to attack me with. It’s different now, though. I know where to turn. I close my eyes and begin to pray. I ask for strength and God’s protection. I focus on Him and the whispers fade to nothing.

I’m safe in the arms of my father.

The Joy of God

John 15:5-13
5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

9"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

I listened to a message today by David Arcos talking about the joy of God. It was very insightful. He says that "Joy becomes strength in the midst of trial." I don't have much more to say about it other than that I find joy in God and my savior Jesus Christ. The best two minutes of my life here on earth won't compare to an eternity in God's presence. That makes me think about my life and how I live it.

I love God, but to be honest, I struggle each day with giving everything over to him. My own intentions and selfishness always seem to get in the way. God has done some amazing things in my life. He's blessed me with an amazing family. He's given me great friends. He gives me life. He kept me around for twenty years with a heart problem. He's gotten me through years of depression. I want to surrender everything to him. To trust him to take care of me. I want to be the man he has created me to be.

Here's a verse I read today. It's one that I always go back to.

Ephesians 2:8
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God

I Don't Know

When life is filled with extreme highs and even more extreme lows what can you do? Ride it out I guess. At the end of the day what do you have? When things never seem to work out where do you turn with the pain? When you've hit the bottom where do you look for the slightest bit of hope? Where do you take your troubles? Your feelings?

I'm fortunate to have an incredible family but I don't always want to throw all my problems their way. I'm not one to burden people with my problems. So where does that leave me? I know exactly where it leaves me. Alone in this world but in the loving arms of my Father. At the end of the day what do I have? Hope in Christ. I can take whatever I have to him and I'll never be let down. What a truly incredible thing to be given this gift. To have him in my life. I know without him through all the difficult times, I would honestly be dead.

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Father, thank you for everything you've done in my life. Thank you for an amazing family and my friends. Thank you for always being there. Through the years of depression even though I turned my back on you. Thank you for seeing me safely through that and through my surgery as well. I know it could have taken my life at anytime but you kept me around. Thank you so much for sending your son to die for my sins. I know I don't deserve it. I love you God. Give me the desire to always seek you. Give me strength and joy in the coming months as I struggle with things. Amen.

Up Late

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Too much for my own good really. I've been thinking a lot about my life. About relationships. About family. There are times when I wish I could stop thinking - just turn it off for a while. It's not that I'm thinking bad things or anything like that, it's just that my mind is constantly moving. Constantly recalling things or looking ahead. The trouble is, all these thoughts I'm having, I really don't know what to do with them. They're just kind of there, lingering somewhere in my mind - sometimes in the depths and sometimes in the forefront. I even have a difficult time trying to find a way to put my thoughts into writing.

Blood flows through my veins
Pumping life throughout my body
I breathe without thinking
I see
I think
I imagine
I create
I love
I am created in His image
As are those around me
We are beautiful creations
Loved beyond belief
By a father who is always there
Longing for a relationship with us
He gives me life
He gives me strength to endure
There will always be struggles
And at times I will hurt
But in Him I find joy
In Him I find hope

Trust

It's a sad thing to lose trust in someone.