Up Late

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Too much for my own good really. I've been thinking a lot about my life. About relationships. About family. There are times when I wish I could stop thinking - just turn it off for a while. It's not that I'm thinking bad things or anything like that, it's just that my mind is constantly moving. Constantly recalling things or looking ahead. The trouble is, all these thoughts I'm having, I really don't know what to do with them. They're just kind of there, lingering somewhere in my mind - sometimes in the depths and sometimes in the forefront. I even have a difficult time trying to find a way to put my thoughts into writing.

Blood flows through my veins
Pumping life throughout my body
I breathe without thinking
I see
I think
I imagine
I create
I love
I am created in His image
As are those around me
We are beautiful creations
Loved beyond belief
By a father who is always there
Longing for a relationship with us
He gives me life
He gives me strength to endure
There will always be struggles
And at times I will hurt
But in Him I find joy
In Him I find hope

Trust

It's a sad thing to lose trust in someone.

Focus

If the world ended in five years
In twenty years
How would I feel
If I never get married could I be content
If I continue to struggle with the darkness
Can I continue to find happiness even while I bear it
I will continue to have ups and downs
There are days when I don’t want to think about the future
About tomorrow or five years from now
Days I wish my world would have already ended

It's on those days that I need to stay focused
Focused on my Father who loves me unconditionally
Who will provide and help me through the dark times in my life
He will never let me down
I long to draw close to him, giving over everything
I love him more than anything and am so thankful for what he's done
Thankful for his son
It's the most important relationship in my life
And I want to work on it more than any other

Today is a bad day. Why? Because I can’t stop thinking about things. Last night something happened and it made me start thinking a lot. So much so that I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep. In the past 6 months I’ve had a few relationships end. It goes beyond that, though. Failed relationships are kind of the story of my life. But it’s the most recent ones that got me thinking and questioning a lot about myself. When things seem so good, why do relationships end? And beyond that, if it is going to end, why can’t it be done right? Why do people have to lie about things? I wish people would just be straight with me. The truth may hurt but I’d rather be hurt a little than lied to and hurt much worse because of it. There’s nothing like being lied to or abandoned. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. Not by anyone. What does that mean? Should I cut myself off from people? I don’t know. I’m tired of trying though. All I can do is focus on the few relationships I have that are good. The friends that I have that hopefully won't let me down.

Distraction

The other day I was listening to my ipod and the song “distraction” by Angels and Airwaves came on and it got me thinking. It made me think about life and the things that distract me from my almighty and loving God. There are so many distractions in our world that at times it seems impossible to focus on Him. I don’t want that any longer. I want to be ever focused on my Lord. I want Him to be in total control. To be the center of my life. I want the roles reversed. I want my love and praise and focus for God to be so great and passionate that He alone distracts me from the things that have engulfed my life. The things that have caused me to stray from His path. I want to say, “No I can’t go do that now because I want to spend time with my Lord.” He’s the most important thing in my life and I long to treat Him as such.

What is a Smile

What is a smile
but a sign of happiness
Unless it's a mask
To hide what is lurking
in the shadows of a life

Stop. Recognize.
Wipe the grin from your face
Be who you are
In each moment
The bad and the good

What is a smile
But the realization of love in Christ
The incomparable love of God and sharing it with others

Shape My Heart

Take me where You'd have me go
Down a path that is not my own
Where I can have true joy
From a life with You
Shape my heart

My Life Is Not My Own

It’s been a long time since I’ve really felt God speaking to me through a Sunday morning church service. Most of that is my fault. Last Sunday night I heard a message about having “ears to hear” that helped change my attitude toward Sunday mornings and I’m thankful it did or I would have missed out yet again. I’ve been working on changes in my life. Changes that can only come by walking with the Lord and focusing on what He wants to do with my life. I am so thankful for the changes I can see and feel God making in my life. Today’s message was both encouraging and reminding. It reminded me to stay focused on my progress and to continue to ask God to work in my life, molding me. I felt God speaking directly to me through the pastor this morning. And I’m thankful, because I help run video, that I was able to sit through both services. It helped hammer things home and let me see the biblical references more than once. I need to continue to work on changing my tongue into God’s tool, instead of using it to hurt and judge. I need to recognize that my life is not my own. Anything I have is a gift from God. My money is not my money. And I need to focus on God’s purpose for my life.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Why a Life of Disappointment?

Recently, I had a conversation with a good friend about finding value? I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and what it looks like in my life. Where do I find value? I think more than anything I feel valued when I’m accepted and loved. That’s probably true for most of us. It’s how we let that affect us that’s different from person to person.

For too long I’ve looked for those things in others. For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be accepted: at school, by coaches, by teachers, and in my own family. I’ve looked for love from the people I care about most. I think the problem with this is that because I looked for value solely in others I was always disappointed. Not everyone is going to accept you and there will certainly be a lot that don’t love you. I was just looking in the wrong places. Now I find my value in God, who will accept me know matter my talents or the clothes I wear or my personality. I know that I can find love like no other in my Father who loves me unconditionally. Knowing this huge. I’ve learned to love myself, a creation of God, like I never have before. And I want to share that love with others even though I won’t always feel valued be them. And I can’t let memories from my past where I struggled the most with this affect who I am today and what I have in Christ.

This Far by Jason Gray

These are the lyrics to a song by Jason Gray called "This Far." I don't know, I guess I've just found a lot of meaning from them lately. It's kind of how life is and where I'm at. God's brought me too far to give up. I'm not the same. Here they are:

The first time I heard You call my name
I saw the man that I could be
My life was like a gift that You gave to me
But now I’m haunted by the memory of
A promise I thought I heard from You
And I’m not as sure of all the things I thought that I once knew

I don’t believe You brought me this far to give up
So everyday I keep on fighting for it
Show me again what I was made for
Help me to see You’re still moving me

It’s hard for me to walk by faith
In the face of all that I can see
Sometimes I feel I’m just a fool for my belief
But then I feel You come and move in me
I hear You whisper in my ear
And for a moment I can see just how You brought me here

I don’t believe You brought me this far to give up
So everyday I keep on fighting for it
Show me again what I was made for
Help me believe You’re still moving me

With each passing glimpse of Your promise
You’re leading me on
Don’t let me falter now

I don’t believe You brought me this far to give up
So everyday I keep on fighting for it
Sometimes it’s hard to tell if I’m faithful
Or for me to believe You’re still leading me

I don’t believe You brought me this far to give up
So everyday I keep on fighting for it
Show me again what I was made for
Help me to see You’re still moving me

I still believe cause You carried me this far

Air fills my lungs

Refreshing
The water that engulfs me
Yet terrifying also
I was anxious
Afraid of going under
I’m dying
Lost to the world
Hands are on me
They pull me up
Water drips from my face
Air fills my lungs
I’m dead to sin
But alive in Christ

The happiest we ever were

The lights are on
Me and my bible
Ready for bed
I’m eight years old
Me and my bible
On the top bunk
You hear my voice
It says a prayer
The prayer
That would change my life
I’m happy
We’re all happy
I hug my parents
Smiles and tears
I hug my brothers
This moment
The happiest I can remember
Together, smiling
Excited
A memory
I’ll never forget
The lights go out
It’s me an You
And will be forever
From that night on
That night in 1992

It beats harder

It’s beating so hard
Pumping gallon after gallon through my veins
It keeps me alive
It scares me
I feel it pulsating
My head aches
It beats faster
My body temp rises
It beats harder
My shirt rises and falls with its rhythm
I’m nauseous
I want to sleep
I feel the rhythm in my head
I feel
I feel
Nothing
I’m dead

30 Days to Live

The video below is the full length version of an interview that LifeChurch showed one Sunday during their "30 Days to Live" series. It's about a man named Larry who was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) in 2005. He discusses the affects of the disease, how it's changed his life, his relationship with his loved ones, his relationship with God, and many other things. It's a pretty emotional video but worth watching. Click the link to watch:
Watch this LifeChurch.tv Video

The Barbarian Way - by Erwin McManus

Matthew 11:6
Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me.

I was reading The Barbarian Way and what McManus said about this verse really struck me. So many times I read the word but I don't really take the time to disect it and look for much of the meaning. I'm thankful that there are people out there who seem to have a natural talent for understanding the Bible so I can better understand some of it. I've heard Matthew 11:6 before but I never really thought about what it meant.

It was the last thing Jesus said in response to John's question of "Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?" At that time John was in prison where he would eventually be beheaded. After John sends his disciples to ask Jesus that question, Jesus replied in verses 4-6, "Go back and report to John what you hear and see: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor. Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me."

That last sentence almost seems out of place after Jesus describes all the good that he is doing. Why would anyone fall away on account of Jesus after hearing about all the incredible things he is doing; all the people he is helping. If you look at it from John's perspective, though, it makes sense. John hears about all these amazing things Jesus is doing but Jesus isn't coming to save him from his prison. Even though John was the one who would prepare the way for Jesus, he wouldn't be saved from being beheaded. It seems that it would be easy for John to "fall away" because of this. Easy for him to become angry at the fact that his fate is death. But God's plan for John is being fulfilled.

It seems like the verse could also say, blessed is the man who does not fall away even though the purpose I have for him isn't one that he desires. When times are rough and we aren't happy with what is happening in our life it's easy for us to become upset, fall away, or lose faith in God. But these things we're going through - these struggles - may very well be in God's plan for us. God could be using these things to shape us into the person He wants us to be. Don't fall away when life gets difficult but "rejoice in suffering" and "give thanks in all circumstances" because it's these things as well as the good that makes each of us who we are.

"Under the Banner of Heaven: A Story of Violent Faith" by Jon Krakauer

Krakauer starts begins this book with the story of the 1984 Lafferty murders when two brothers, claiming to be commanded by god, savagely murdered their youngest brother's wife and baby girl. He then delves into the history and practices of fundamentalist mormonism. It is no less than shocking. He talks about small towns in Arizona, Utah, and Canada where everyone in the town answers to one man, the head of the fundamentalist LDS church. He controls everything and everyone; The mayor, the police force, and everyone else. Everything is owned by the church. Girls are married by the age of 14, sometimes to men that they are related to and are at least twice their age. Krakauer gives an example of a town in Arizona where the head of the FLDS church married girls as young as 13 and 14 when he was in his mid-eighties. Basically, the women are seen as property. He also reports cases of sexual abuse.

The towns that Krakauer discusses are polygamistic societies. Some of the men mentioned in the book have married more than 50 women and fathered even more children. How is this possible when polygamy is against the law? Well, the men will marry one woman legally, recognized by the government. The subsequent marraige isn't recognized by the government but is by the FLDS. These women are recognized though, as single mothers by the government. Because of this they can get all kinds of financial support.

I won't even get into the founding father of mormonism, Joseph Smith, until a later. Looking at what I've read already and things I've seen on the news, such as the Elizabeth Smart kidnapping, it's easy to see the immoral and frankly sickening practices of fundamental mormons. Is it right for a man in his fourties or fifties to "marry" a fourteen year old girl and then have sex with her? Doesn't it make that man a pedophile and how can any decent human promote this sort of thing? It seems like the religion in some ways is there to try and justify these sexual deviants.

Satan's Weapons

Like a gentle breeze, Satan creeps into you thoughts to tempt and deceive. It’s easy to see Satan at work, what with all the hatred and evil that fills this world. Violence all over the news. Greed. Sex. It’s everywhere. As powerful as Satan’s weapons are, some times the ones that are the most dangerous are the ones we don’t really recognize as Satan’s doing. They’re like a time bomb; you don’t know they’re there until it goes off. Satan attacks us where we are most vulnerable with subtle devices. He slowly destroys our self-esteem, bringing to light all of our flaws, draining the happiness that fills us. He’s the whisper that says we’re not good enough, that we’re worthless. He throws insult after insult into the depths of our minds causing us to question everything.

For years Satan attacked me in this way, tearing apart my self-confidence piece by piece. Negative thoughts flooded my mind until it was overflowing with self-hatred. It was a very dark time in my life. I’ve been doing so much better lately but that doesn’t mean it’s easy all the time. I can still feel Satan at times trying to attack me again. Trying to make me question things. I can’t let them take over, though. Not anymore. But I can’t do it by myself. It’s at these times, when Satan is trying to slip in unnoticed, that we should rely on God to help us through it. It’s easy when times are good to rely on God less and less and I think that’s when we’re most vulnerable and Satan knows it. Don’t let him win. Give your life to Christ, focus on Him, and pray that He will help you keep Satan from controlling your thoughts. That He will give you the strength to endure. I can’t go back to the way it was. To a place where I would’ve welcomed death to end my misery. I won’t let him win. “With God all things are possible.” Think about how amazing life is and the blessings you have. Life won’t always turn out perfect the way you want it, but that’s not what it’s about. It’s about walking by faith and knowing that God loves you and has given you the gift of eternal life through his son Jesus. Share this love with the world so that others may come to know Christ.

When You're Around

At 5:30 this morning I driving east on highway 70 headed to work. I had my windows down, enjoying the cool morning air, while listening to some excellent worship music. In one of the songs the artist sings, "He loves when you're around." For some reason that single line stuck in my head. He loves when I'm around. It's amazing and simply put. What does it mean? God loves when we focus and live for Him. Whether it be through prayer or worship or reading His word, He loves when we're around.

Everything's good

I know it's a few days late, but just want to say that everything went well at my yearly check-up at the doctor. He asked if I was having any symptoms. I said no. Then he just listened to my heart and said that it sounded great. Good news. It's nice to go in once a year to help put my mind at ease.

The Yearly Check-up

Tomorrow at eleven I have to be back at Big Barnes for my yearly visit. I get to see Dr. Biladello, my favorite cardiologist. I'm not really sure what he will have me do; probably just answer some questions about how I'm feeling. And of course he will listen to my heart and probably feel my chest. It's crazy that he can tell if my heart has increased or decreased in size just by putting pressure on my chest with his palm. I'll probably have to go back once a year for the rest of my life just to make sure my heart is staying healthy. I always get a little more nervous as these doctor visits draw closer. I pay more attention to my own heart beat and any symptoms I might have. There are a couple concerns I have that I will discuss with the doc but hopefully everything is still great and I don't have any more problems. Hopefully the small holes they found last winter haven't increased in size or anything. I'll put a post up tomorrow with the results.

No More Taco Bell

I went to a taco bell yesterday and the food was as good as it always is, which really isn't that good but the restaraunt is so convenient and cheap that you go there anyway. Well, no more. The food is consistant but not good enough. The place was awful. It was dirty. The bathroom was disgusting. The floor was filthly. The workers were eating their food off the counter. I paid for my food and they gave me a number like always. When my food was done, though, they didn't call out my number. They just slid my tray off to the side so I had to go look at it and make sure it's what I ordered before I picked up a tray that may or may not have been mine. I stopped at a gas station to fill up and went in and got some candy just to get the taste out of my mouth and I decided to never eat taco bell again. It makes more sense to just go to a sandwich place or something. A place where you can watch them make your food and you might get to eat something somewhat healthy.

A Weekend at the Lake

Well, we got back a few hours ago from Bull Shoals, the greatest lake in the known universe. It's so nice that I have a place like that to go to. A place where I can relax and forget about things even if it's only for a few days. The lake is a little over four hours aways but I've driven there so many times over the years that the trip seems to take no time at all. And let me say that it is definitely worth the drive. Bull Shoals is so beautiful. The water is clean and the lake isn't built up like some of the other lakes in MO. It's great for anyone who enjoys skiing or wakeboarding because you can usually find a spot where the water is smooth as glass. I can't wait for the next chance I get to go down there and spend another great weekend at the lake.

Unanswered Questions

If anyone reads this blog consistantly, Adam may be the only one who likes this. I'm finishing listening to the sixth harry potter book in preparation for the seventh book so I thought I would right down a list of things I hope Rowling addresses before it's all said and done.

-What is the story of the veil in the department of mysteries?
-What did Harry's mom and dad do for a living that they could leave their son with so much money?
-The big one - is Snape good or bad?
-Where is the sixth horcrux?
-What is the significance of Harry having his mother's eyes?
-Who is RAB and how did he get the locket?
-What was it that made Dubledore trust Snape so much?
-How will Wormatail repay his debt to Harry?
-How and why did Dumbledore have James' invisibility cloak? What is the significance of this?
-Why did Regulus choose to leave the Death Eaters?
-What did Dumbledore actually see in the Mirror of Erised in the first book? And will the Mirror of Erised be involved in the seventh book?
-What happened when Dumbledore found the ring that caused him to injure his hand?
-JKR said that someone will manage magic very late in life in Book 7: who will it be?
-When Harry was taking Occlumency lessons from Snape in OOTP, he put more than one memory into the pensieve. What other memories did he want to hide from Harry?
-Is there a connection between Godric's Hollow and Godric Gryffindor? And is Harry, in any way, related to Godric Gryffindor?
-How did Hagrid retrieve Harry from the ruins of his parents' house if he was not told the location by the secret-keeper?
-If RAB took the locket, is it destroyed or is the locket that they were unable to open at Sirius' house?
-Will we hear anymore about Krum?
-Who will be the new DADA teacher?
-Who will teach transfiguration?
-Will Slughorn teach potions for a second year?

A Long Way Gone

I'm reading a book called "A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier" and am nearing the end but I thought I would write a little about it anyway. It's about a boy who was born in Sierra Leone in 1980 and by the age of 12 had left his home to flee from rebels. By the time he was thirteen he had become a soldier in the governments army. It's truly an incredible and heartbreaking story. You see a little bit of this kind of thing in movies; children running around with AK-47s, killing like it's nothing. I think it's easy to become desensitized because of this. Even the story seemed almost unbelievable and I had to remind myself that it was a true account of this author's life. I think it's sad that these children, at such a young age, get their lives and childhood ripped away from them and are forced into a world of violence, death, and drugs. The book reminded me that we are so lucky to live in a place where we can walk down the street without having to watch our backs everyday out of fear that some rebel group will attack our town. It really opened my eyes to a reality that I knew about but never really thought about. I would recommend this book. It's a little graphic in parts but is overall an amazing story of a boy soldier who lost it all but was given a second chance at life.

The Path

The ground made his journey difficult. Though level, the path was covered with jagged rocks. The cool night air left the smoother, larger stones dangerously slick. The moon shone brightly above him. On either side of him towering hills rose quickly vanishing into the darkness at their peaks. Gnarled trees stood dark and menacing on the face of each hill.

The wind howled through the path sending a biting chill through his bones. Tree tops shook and shadows danced around him as dark clouds passed swiftly beneath the moon. A dense fog flowed constantly down each slope, slithering through the trees like serpents. The fog was always there, following him, swallowing him from the waste down, and making it nearly impossible to see the ground that he walked on. He moved very slowly, carefully placing his feet. Pain would shoot through his feet with each misplaced step. He continued, though, trying to ignore the aching and the cuts.

The darkness would play tricks on his eyes. The fog seemed to move strangely around him, as if trying to hide the most dangerous spots in the path. The trees were so mangled and moved with such force from the wind that they seemed to have life, their branches thrashing around him, trying to pull him into the depths of the forest.

It seemed like forever there, walking down the same narrow path. He was exhausted and lost. The only way was forward, through the night. He dared not venture into the forest for fear of what he might find. His thirst and hunger were almost unbearable and with each passing moment he grew more and more weak.

How he made it there he didn't know. At some point he was just there, walking between the ugly trees under the moon. And the path became more dangerous the longer he walked. He tried to remember. Tried to think back to a time before when he wasn't on this terrible journey. There were only glimpses of his life before the endless night and none that he could grab hold of for long. The darkness was an overwhelming weight that he carried with him, slowly breaking him, draining what little energy he had left. There was only ever the light from the moon. The sun never rose and the fog was always lurking. He didn't know where it would lead him but he didn't feel he had any other choice than to keep going.

A gust of wing nearly knocked him to the ground. He stopped. There was another gust of freezing air and he whirled around. It was there, in the wind. The whispers. He'd heard them before. Each time there seemed to be more: many voices flying with the wind through the blackness. He squinted into the forest to try and see someone but the branches blocked his view. He had never seen anyone else but he knew they were there because of the voices. He tried to make out what they were saying but he couldn't concentrate. There were too many, all talking at once, growing louder around him. He pressed his hands tightly over his ears to shut them out but it didn't help. He heard a scream somewhere in the distance. Then another. He could hear the heavy breathing close by, somewhere behind. The deep intake of cold air from a creature somewhere behind him. He spun around, trying to see the things around him. The fog circled beautifully as he moved. More scream. A low, ferocious growl. Tearing and crunching. Breathing. Finally, he collapsed and everything grew distant until at once it all vanished.

A while later he woke, but he didn't open his eyes. He hoped that when he did, everything would be different. That hope lasted only a moment. He could feel the cold fog that was engulfing him and the sharp stones digging into his back. His body still ached and he was still exhausted. In that moment he wanted to give up. He wished for death, to escape from the darkness and misery that he had spent most of his life in. He wanted the end.

He wrestled with those thoughts for quite some time and finally decided that death wasn't the answer. That he couldn't give up. That the path would eventually end and there would be something wonderful waiting for him there. He stood slowly, his young body hurting all over. He took a painful step. Then another. Nothing had changed. The trees still had life. The fog followed him as he moved and the wind blew harder and colder. The voices were still there, sometimes close, sometimes distant. The screams and the creatures hiding in the forest. He feared the path ahead and the things around him. He feared the unknown. He didn't know how much longer he could go, tired, hungry and thirsty. But on he walked, longing for the end to his misery, holding on tightly to his last bit of hope.

Where are you, Kyle?

I want to write about something a friend and I talked about today. It's so easy for us to question. I know many times in my life – the most difficult and trying times – I would ask, "God, where are you?" My friend said it's so easy for us to put the blame on someone else and I know that was true for me. Where are you, God? Easy, right? I've learned how backward that is. Each time I asked that question I imagine God was thinking something like, "Where are you, Kyle? I'm where I've always been and always will be, with you. You ignore me. Where are you?" A preacher I like wrote something about how it's so easy for us to get wrapped up in our own world that we get irritated or we flat-out ignore when God is calling or screaming at us. That was me. I was so quick to question God when I should have been questioning myself. How can I win a battle without God's help? How come I can be so prideful to think I can do things on my own, my way? How come I ignored Him for so long, straying from the path set before me? Why has it taken me so long to realize He is shaping me? I'm glad for the hard times now. I'm glad for the trials and struggles. I just wish I had focused on Him more. There will always be difficult times in my like, I know this. But that's no reason for me to abandon or blame God. That's when I need Him. That's when I should ask for his Help. I hope that not one day passes where I don't thank Him, praise Him, ask for His guidance, or listen when He calls on me.

Scars

A little girl dies. On a school bus on her way home. She collapses and dies. She was in the fourth grade. A short time later a basketball coach dies. She was twenty-eight and unaware that anything was wrong.

It's December, 1984 and a child is born; a seemingly healthy child. He has blond hair and blue eyes. A couple of years go by and his dad already has him playing catch; he was excited because his son was a lefty like him.

The child fell in love with sports. He played baseball and basketball from an early age. He quit those when he went to high school so he could try his hand at volleyball. His whole life up to that point: countless innings, quarters, matches, wins, and losses. He never had a problem keeping up, pushing himself. He threw, hit, jumped, dove, and ran sprints till he thought he would pass out.

When he started high school he also began to lift weights. Each day he would workout for a couple of hours. Some days he would even run on the treadmill: one mile, three miles, six miles. Soaked in sweat and exhausted, he always pushed. Always tried to lift more. To run farther or faster. The fatigue started to set in a couple years into high school, but he didn't notice it.

He was driving in his car one day when something really startled him. His heart started beating funny, fluttering inside his chest. It seemed to take his breath away. It was hard not to notice it and he told his parents but they didn't think it was anything serious. It was the only time something like had happened. Over the next few years, though, his heart would beat funny at random times. He also had shortness of breath more and more. His fatigue became worse. And he started having some slight chest pain.

After high school he went to college to play volleyball. Sitting on a table in the trainer's office, a doctor listened to his heartbeat. Each player had to be cleared by the doctor before they could play for the team. The doctor told him he had a slight murmur. It was nothing serious but the doctor thought he should get it looked at just to be safe.

Within a month he was on an examining table in the hospital. A technician used an ultrasound to view and listen to his heart. When the test was over the tech sent him away without much of an explanation. He never heard from the hospital or his family physician. Never heard the results from the test. Naturally, he assumed there was nothing wrong. If there had been, they would've called.

Over the next year or so he didn't think about it much but all the symptoms were still there. He didn't understand. He was tired all the time. So much so that it was difficult for him to workout for more than a half hour. And his heart was beating funny more frequently than ever before. He was sitting on the couch one night watching TV and he felt his heart beat funny six times within an hour. It had never happened that often in such a short amount of time. He decided that it was time to get it looked at again.
Within a month he back on an examining table in a different hospital having the same test done again. The doctor saw something was wrong almost instantly. He could see on the screen that the right side of the heart was much larger than it should have been. The doctor told him it could be a few different things but most likely it was a shunt, or a hole. He suggested that they go see a cardiologist who might be able to determine exactly what the problem was. His mom called around over the next few days and found a cardiologist they could see at Barnes.

Just by looking at the results of the ultrasound the cardiologist knew that it was a hole in his heart. The hole was between the left and right atrium. The cardiologist told them there were two ways to fix the problem. One was using a small, umbrella-like device to seal the hole and the other was to have open-heart surgery. Which procedure he would have depended on how large the opening was. If it were larger than 3cm or irregular in shape then he would have to have open-heart surgery.

They put him through one test after another to find out the shape and size of the hole. Surprisingly, he didn't seem too worried about what was going on. He knew either procedure was a big deal but he didn't think much about it. In late November 2005, he went in for one of his last tests. The MRI lasted about an hour. They wanted as many views of his heart as they could get before they made their decision on which procedure they would go with.

That night in bed he thought about it some before falling asleep. He knew it was getting close to the end. He had one more test the next day. It was the one test that would tell them the most. He wasn't looking forward to it. They would have to put a needle in his groin and push a small wire through his veins until it reached his heart. He knew that after the test was done they would tell him which procedure they would go with. He had a feeling in his gut, though, that it would be bad news. That he would have to have the surgery.

The next morning he was in the hospital bed alone with his thoughts. The cardiologist came in to check on him and told him that they were able to see enough from the MRI to make a decision. Open-heart surgery, just like he thought. Even then, it didn't really hit him. Strange, not to be bothered by something like that.

They scheduled the surgery only two weeks after his final test that morning. He wanted to get the surgery done as soon as possible so he wouldn't have to think about it too much. The days flew by and he was back in the hospital saying goodbye to his family and friends. He walked with the anesthesiologist to the operating room. It was cold inside and there were already several people in there preparing the room.

They put him on the table and stretched his arms out. Within a couple of minutes he was out because of the meds. It was like taking a nap. He woke up in a different room. His throat hurt. His chest and shoulders ached. There were tubes and wires everywhere. Beeping from the monitor beside his bed in the intensive care room. The next few hours were a haze. He would pass out and wake up moments later when someone came in to see how he was doing.

It turned out that the hole they repaired was rather large. But that wasn't all they had to fix. He had several smaller holes next to the larger one. He also had two veins that were going to the wrong side of the heart that they had to cut and reroute so he would get the oxygenated blood he needed. Turned out to be something he was born with that they never caught because he was a healthy child that didn't show any symptoms. None of the nurses could believe he was in there with that problem. Some were surprised that he survived that long with those problems, especially with all the sports he played.

Two days after the surgery he was given the ok to go home. They pulled the tubes from his chest, which was the most painful thing he had ever experienced, gave him his clothes and let him leave with his mom. They walked slowly to the parking garage, both amazed that they let him walk out this soon after the surgery. Minutes later they were heading down the highway back home. He looked at the reflection of the hospital in the mirror and it finally hit him. He was overwhelmed with emotion. He couldn't believe what he just went through. He couldn't believe he was alive when he could have collapsed any number of times. On the basketball court. On the baseball field. Working out. Any of those things could have been the death of him because of his heart problem. But it was fixed and he was on his way home. In a month or two he would be back to normal, working out and playing sports again. But at that moment it was all too much for him to think about. Words couldn't express how he was feeling. He'd never felt anything like it before. It was as if all the emotions he should have been feeling in the months leading up to that point finally hit him with incredible force. He stared at the mirror until the hospital faded from view, his sunglasses hiding the tears that filled his tired eyes.

At home that night he stared at himself in the mirror and cried some more. He stared at the long, scabbed scar on his chest. At the cross-like scars below that where the drainage tubes had been. For over a year he dealt with guilt and depression because of the surgery. Each day, after his shower, he is reminded of what happened. He stares at his scar.

To this day it's hard for me to describe what I was feeling during that difficult time in my life. I still think about it everyday. It's hard not to when I have a scar to remind me. Last year was the hardest year of my life because of the surgery. I've heard that most people who go through open-heart surgery have some kind of depression because of it. I was one of them and what made it worse was that I already struggled with depression anyway. When I hear stories about the little girl that died or the basketball coach it's easy for me to feel guilty because I was fortunate enough to have my heart problems found out before it was too late. They each had very similar heart problems and they didn't survive. It's a hard thing to explain, the guilt that I feel because I'm still alive. I've gotten better about not dwelling on things like that and just being thankful for the fact that I'm still alive and I can still do all the things a love. I play basketball a few times a week. I play volleyball and roller hockey when I can and I'm in a softball league with my church. I'm thankful for that experience, as hard as it was. It's something that I have that I can use to relate to someone who might be going through the same kind of problem. It's made me who I am today. My scar is by no means an attractive thing. But for me it's beautiful. It's a part of me. A part of my story. I didn't put any of that cream on that helps scars go away or at least not stand out so much. I didn't want my scar to go away. I want it there as a reminder of what I went through and what I should be thankful for. Life is fragile and beautiful. You don't know when it will end. Be thankful for the time you have and the gifts and talents you have and make the most of them. This is what I'm trying to do. I want to focus on my relationships and putting others first. I want to always think of my heart problems as a good thing. As hard as last year was, I think I'm a better person for having survived it. Let me know what you think of all this. Hopefully you stuck with it. I know it's long.

20 Years Later

This is a poem I wrote a little over a year after my surgery.

A world that is rocked
Thrown straight from its course
For a time
A day, a week, months
leading up

Tests and more tests
Doctors and hospitals
Waiting anxiously for the next

And then it's decided
The road we will take
A baby born without problems
Now, 20 years later
I wait

I try not to think
To dwell on what's coming
Stay calm, stay in control
There's no need to worry

I walk down the hall
We say our goodbyes
And still I don't worry
I tell myself
Everything will be fine

I go through the doors
the nurse at my side
It's cold in the room
People are waiting

I climb on the table
Lay flat
They stretch my arms out to my sides

I breathe through the mask
Barely feel the needle go into my arm
I lose focus
The room fades away
with the people inside

I wake up in a different room
People coming and going
to see how I'm doing

My throat hurts
Mouth is dry
There's a pain in my chest
Aching
But I made it through ok

2 days and one room later
I've been cleared to leave
We walk to the garage
slowly

As we're driving away
I look in the mirror
For the first time it hits me
How I'm still alive
On my way home
after open-heart surgery
I break down
and cry

Playing in the Rain

We had two softball games yesterday afternoon. We won them both to take our record to 9-7 (no big deal). It was pretty cloudy during the games and it misted for a little while toward the beginning. At some point, though, it started raining hard. Then it would stop. And when you thought the heat and humidity would do you in it would start raining again. By the end of the second game I was completely soaked, the field was muddy, and the bases were slippery death traps to anyone sprinting for an extra-base hit. I had a blast. Standing in the batter's box, waiting for the pitch, rain pouring down on top of me. Sure I was fithly and weighed down by muddy cleats but It was great. It reminded me of being a kid, playing in the rain with your friends, the least bit of concern for lightning and what would happen if it hit the bat. There's just something about it - the beauty of a storm and what it brings.

Words that Cut

I was reading my devotional today and the author was talking about sarcasm and that it can be "far more serious than we might want to believe." Sarcasm is something I've tried to work on in the past couple years. I know I can be sarcastic at times but if I am I usually try and make sure the person knows I'm only kidding. A couple years ago I guess I took my sarcasm a little too far and a friend called me on it. She asked if I always had to be a jerk to her. I didn't realize that the things I was saying were affecting her so. I felt really bad and apologized for hurting her and from that point on I've tried to keep myself from taking things that far. Everyone is different and the sarcasm you use on your best friends might not be taken as well by others. I know how brutal words can be sometimes and how they can be more damaging in some cases than any physical injury you could receive.

Concert

Last night I went to a concert with my girlfriend and a few friends. We saw Ben Folds and John Mayer. Ben Folds was really entertaining. I'm not a huge John Mayer fan but he put on a pretty good show. He's an incredible guitar player with decent vocals. Reflecting on the night it's kind of sad what goes on at these shows. There was a guy sitting pretty close to us in the lawn that was passed out drunk before Ben Folds even went on. His friends piled grass on him until he was completely covered. I must admit it was funny seeing him covered in grass but really kind of sad that someone would get that drunk before the show. I won't talk about the clothes that a lot of people wear at these shows. And there's enough smoke in the air that you feel like you might get high just breathing. I don't want to sound too negative but you would think that people would want to go to these shows and just enjoy the music and the beatuful night without the influence of drugs or alcohol. I did have fun though, standing in the grass with the people I care about, enjoying good music. It couldn't have been a better night for the concert.

Airport

Friday night I went to the airport to fly to Maryland. I'm somewhat of a people watcher so when I sat down in the terminal, waiting for the plane to board, I looked around at the others who would be on the same flight before opening my book to pass the time. When it was finally time to board, a little after 10 pm, they called forward anyone that would need a little extra time to get situated or anyone that had small children. This makes sense, let them take there time and get settled before letting everyone else on. I looked at the beginning of the line and saw several people standing there that looked to be about my age and more than capable of getting on the plane after the others. And there were even a couple of men who appeared to be in there mid thirties standing toward the front of the line. There were a couple families with small children and a few elderly folks. Unfortunately, these people, who probably could have used the extra time on a less crowded plane were scattered throughout the line. I just sat there and watched in disbelief. Maybe it doesn't seem like that big of a problem but it made me upset. Did these people think they would get to Baltimore any faster by standing at the front of the line. Don't they know it's a plane, and we'll all get there at the same time. I wish the woman working the counter would have acknowledged the situation and told those few people to stand off to the side so the families and the elderly good board first. That was the whole point after all. It was such an easy thing to just sit in the terminal a few extra minutes to give them time, but these people apparently can't wait that long. It just seemed like it was one of those situations where doing the right thing is obvious and not at all difficult. To put others before yourself. I was pleased to see that there were some people still waiting in there seats in the terminal. I was just amazed at the selfishness of some people and I hope I can use that as a reminder for myself that it doesn't take much to put others first. In that moment it was just waiting a few more minutes to board a plane that would arrive at it's destination on time regardless of whether I boarded it first or last.

Things that have Helped

For about seven years I've lived in darkness. I hid it well, though. I'd smile. I'd laugh. The closest people in my life didn't even know. Keeping things inside is exhausting. Eventually, though, it will leak out. It becomes too much. I always felt like I would rather be dead than spend another miserable day on this earth. There were times when I was so close to the edge. Times when I thought I was losing my mind, like I had little to no control over anything. I'd lost the desire to do anything. I wouldn't want to eat or sleep or go out or see anyone. I would have gladly welcomed physical pain to distract me from the emotional pain. From the self-hate. There are times when I can't even look at myself in the mirror because most of the time I really don' like what I see. There are times when I want to jerk the wheel into a tree or ditch, hoping to destroy my car. Times when I just wanted to give up. I feel like there is this great battle for my soul and for the longest time I felt like Satan was winning. I even like God wasn't there trying to help me find my way out of the dark. It wasn't until recently that I started noticing and realizing things. Things that have helped me. And I have no doubt in my mind that they are things from God. I have several relationships now with people I know God has placed in my life. It's these relationships that have helped keep me from going over the edge. These are people that I can talk to; that really care. And each offers something different but it's all so helpful. I hope at some point I can thank them enough and explain how much the relationship I have with each of them means to me and how it has helped me keep going; keep my life. I have also realized that it wasn't God that abandoned me over the years. I abandoned God. It was selfish of me to expect him to get rid of all my problems when I wasn't putting forth any effort to strengthen my relationship with Him. Now, I feel like that relationship is getting better and I'm thankful because it's the most important of all. Because of these things I've been doing a lot better. There are several verses that have helped me recently.

"Be joyful always; pray continually/ give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thesselonians 5: 16-18

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1: 2-3

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5: 3-4

Fleeting Thoughts

Each night for the past two weeks I've gone outside before I go to bed. No matter what the weather is like, I sit outside on the patio in my comfortable chair. I listen to my favorite music. I stare at stars in the sky. I write. I pray. And sometimes I fall asleep out there.

I look forward to these moments each day. When I'm driving home, exhausted from playing basketball, I think about it. About how relaxing it will be to sit out there and how much I enjoy it. The first night I sat out there I saw two shooting stars. I know that doesn't sound like anything too spectacular but in 22 years I'd never seen one shooting star, and I just thought it was great.

I think I've always kind of taken the beauty of the world for granted. Now I focus on it every night and even during the day. I try to admire the creation. The millions of stars that burn brightly from so far away. The moon that disappears behind a cloud but reveals itself moments later when the wind carries the cloud away. The lightning that illuminates the horizon for an instant. The whisper of the wind. The call of a bird. The silhouettes of treetops on a dark blue canvas. The stillness and quiet.

So many times I've gone on vacations to beautiful places. I notice how pretty and appealing they are, but it's mostly a fleeting thought. I don't really take the time to appreciate them. I want to change that. I want to worship God by admiring His creation and all the wonderful things of this world and thank him for allowing me to be a part of it.

Reflecting

“The machine of the world is exceedingly complex for the soul of a man.” This is one of the best quotes I’ve ever heard. The world that we live in is one giant machine with countless parts, each moving day after day, doing its part to make the machine turn. The soul of a man is far too deep to really understand or fit in this machine of a world, this scratching-the-surface of an existence. The meaningless and emotionless. I’ll take my hurt, my pain, my compassion. Should I live a life where this is all I know, what kind of life will it be? One without happiness? Without love? Without contentment? A life of fulfillment? Will I spend my days seeking joy in the little and unexpected things? Seeing children running, enjoying life for what it is. Their unrelenting energy and emotion; without the worries and stresses of what life can bring. The exhaustion that accompanies hours of basketball with friends. The soreness and pain that results from a great workout. The stillness of a cool night in March, staring up into the infinite sky, detached from the machine, lost in the beauty that God created, admiring, relishing. The constant beating of rain on a roof. Arms stretched, soaking wet, taking in the wonders of this place. Sitting on a swing, miles from the ordinary. The wind rustling leaves as it passes through branches. The moon reflecting like diamonds on the water. Can I climb from the darkness with God’s help, stronger and more prepared for life and its uncertainties? The world is fallen. Can I accept this and find the beauty that still exists? It’s how you react to the machine that makes you who you are. Live life. Love God. Love others. Cling to what is good. Forgive…yourself and others. Open up and risk your heart. Find the joys of your existence; the sixes and sevens and maybe, on occasion, a ten will present itself. The happiness you have, no matter how long, is worth fighting through the dark days for. This is life. The good and the bad. But always remember: God is there, walking beside you, all around you. He created you just the way you are. And he won’t give you more than you can handle. So don’t give up. Tomorrow is a new day. Live it. Love it. Find your joy even if it is in the smallest of things. And smile…God loves you.